Poor Substitute

[Sparky]

POOR SUBSTITUTE

You weren't my father, but you were in the role.
When you rewarded my 8 year-old's pat on the cheek
With a slap on mine that hurled me across the room.
Or when you worked me like a hired hand on the farm
So that I built muscles unbecoming a skinny 9 year-old.
Or when the only fatherly love you showed was your hand down my panties
And other actions I still can't talk about without pain.
Or when I let the cow's water trough overflow,
You thought it was okay to make me strip to my panties
And walk through the mud on all fours until you said it was okay to stop.
Or when I didn't gather the eggs so you broke one over my head and let it run down my dress, then made me wear it to school.
These were the lessons you taught me of parenting, although you weren't my father, but you were in the role.
And yet, I wonder where you learned such things.
What ever made you think it was okay to treat a child like that?
Who turned your heart to ice?
I hid behind my big heavy coat, no matter the weather, so that no one would see me because I was ashamed.
I believed I was ugly and only good to provide services, never to be loved.
So I spent my life trying to overcome, and find someone to love me and see me as more than a servant, child prostitute, someone who was dirty and otherwise useless.
What saved me was my heart, my God-given spirit, that you couldn't touch. And the Bible my foster grandfather gave me that taught me of love, as it should be.
Because of those things, I am able to see that somewhere, sometime, you were wronged, and you passed it on to me.
But I have chosen, because of who I am and what God has taught me, to forgive you. You need my prayers, not my hate for being a poor substitute for a father.

Barbara Hurst Aldrich 1/17/2020

[Lion~*]

Dr Hyem ," We have to forgive the unforgivable. But that does not mean forget. These things should be remembered. But if we do not forgive, we poison our lives, and the lives of others, and evil will win." from In the Midst of Life, Jennifer Worth

It is a most gut wrenching and courageous write.... to put it out there and hold tight to your own heart and soul's authenticity. You are one of my most beloved friends and although you endured horrific atrocities against you... you have the most genuine, love filled, integral, faith filled soul.... you are one of my very richest blessings ever held safe within my heart. I ache to the depth reading this... The beloved friend I know is only love, encouragement, faithful , hope filled and so darn humorous... perhaps both because of and in spite of the evils you have lived through.. the love in you has risen so abundantly to overflow into the lives who cross and remain upon your life path. ((((((( love you dearly ))))) Your faithful Lion~* friend

[Sparky]

Thank you ((((((((Lion)))))))). Yes, it did take a lot of courage to put this out there. But I have shed my big heavy coat and all the shame and pain it concealed. No-one is helped by hiding or covering up, neither the abuser or the victim. When the light is turned on, darkness recedes.

You are a most treasured friend to me as well, and you know me better than most because we have touched hearts in the most tender places and love unconditionally. There is no truer or more loving and understanding friend than you. I thank God for you.

[Lion~*]

There are those who say wordings of love... and then there are those of who truly are love. Many come and go... and then there are those who stay and couldn't possibly do otherwise.

[Sparky]

In my heart forever ((((Lion)))).