Germany wasn't my place. I was born and raised there but it just didn't feel like home. When I was a teenager this feeling grew stronger and stronger. Somehow, I felt like a bird in a cage, unable to spread my wings and express myself. Society was unacceptable to me. Surrounded by rules, regulations and limitations, I rebelled whenever I could. I wanted a happy, carefree life in nature.
My poor mother didn’t know how to talk sense into me. Our endless discussions and arguments led to nothing but frustration. I feel bad when I think about this now. My mother always gave me so much love and support. I, on the other hand, only thought about myself and treated her with no respect. Only later in life did I start to appreciate the beautiful, magical childhood my parents had created for me. Doubtlessly, it led me to who I am today.
Furthermore, I didn’t believe in anything like God, the Universe, a higher power, let alone creating my own reality. Little did I know about the importance of believing.
My greatest pleasure was my nightly visualizations. Before I went to sleep, I escaped into my magical inner world where I imagined my place, my perfect home. I stood in the mountains of a beautiful, tropical country overlooking the ocean. I saw a clear picture of every detail of my life in this Garden of Eden: I lived together with my soul mate, several friends and children in small houses. We all loved each other, enjoying life to the fullest: working together in the garden, cooking, laughing, and playing. We were all beautiful, radiating joy and happiness, sharing our life in complete harmony and bliss.
I looked forward to going to bed at night because then my perfect dream world would come to life. The thought that I would manifest my dreams through theses visualizations never crossed my mind. My nightly fantasies were just a comfort to me. I had never heard of the power of visualization. Nonetheless, the universe started working overtime for me. Only in retrospect can I see the miracles, cause and effect lessons, and manifestations which ultimately led to the fulfillment of my dream. Over the next few years many wonderful and, in my eyes, terrible things happened guiding me unknowingly closer and closer to my fantasy. There truly are no coincidences, no ordinary moments in life. I learned that everything, even the most insignificant incidents, has a profound meaning. Awareness is the key to living life to the fullest, exploring all possibilities and probabilities at any given moment.
Let me tell you my amazing story of manifestations. Maybe it will inspire and empower you to successfully create the life of your dreams.
One of the most significant events in my life was the day I met Michael. When I was 18 I visited Schiermonikoog, a beautiful little island in Holland, whenever I could. White sand dunes and beaches stretched as far as the eye could see. Only about 4 cars drove on the whole island. We all rode bicycles. With the wonderful Dutch people and their cozy homes it was a little paradise.
All the young people who came to visit slept in the haylofts of the farmer’s houses. The days were filled with fun, laughing, swimming, music, dancing, and, of course, love. I often thought:” Maybe Schriermonnikoog is my place.” A deeper part of me knew that it was not. Something even better was coming my way.
On one of my visits I saw this young man who had the most startling green eyes I had ever seen. Never before had I experienced such intense, instant attraction for anyone. It felt like electric currents were running through my whole body. Unbeknown to me, this was one of or maybe the most important moment of my life
Michael and I stared at each other. But, unfortunately, he was talking to my girlfriend Imke who was extremely beautiful and popular. I immediately thought:” I don’t even have a chance against her.”, turned around and walked away. After a while, Imke came to me and said:” He was asking about you.” I couldn’t believe it!
Michael and I fell deeply in love. Our souls seemed to merge with each other. Looking into his beautiful eyes was like drowning in an ocean of love. We talked, danced, swam, and made love. Our passion was so strong that sometimes we had to keep the distance of a room between us. We were afraid that if we touched, we might burst with joy. I was glowing during this time. Happiness, everybody’s ultimate goal, was radiating from me. I experienced the wonderful feeling of being one with my higher self. Life presented me with this magnificent lesson of love, granting me a glimpse of true happiness. Love is the most powerful frequency to reach the goal of happiness. Focus on love exclusively and all gates will be open for you. Today, I always try to love and look for the divine in every thing and everybody: nature, people, and animals.
Unfortunately our lifestyles didn’t match. Michael was a vagabond, a gypsy, traveling from one place to another. I was caught up in the rules and laws of society, unable to join him. He told me:” You are the one for me. Come with me. We are meant to be together.” I couldn't go with him. The idea went against everything I had been taught. I didn’t have the courage to set myself above it. Joining Michael's life style just didn’t feel right. Although we never lived together, meeting Michael led to many apparently unrelated events which ultimately guided me to the manifestation of my dreams
While I went to college, Michael continued his gypsy life. Even though we went our separate ways, he never stopped visiting me. We saw each other several times a year. There always was that strong connection and love between us but living together seemed impossible. The love remained though. It’s always there, up to this day. True love is immortal. It will stay with you forever. There never were regrets, only gratitude. I believe that once you truly love someone you will always keep that love in your heart for the rest of your life. I had met my soul mate, even though it didn’t work put as perfectly as I had imagined. But Michael was an extremely important figure in the fulfillment of my second desire: My perfect place, the home of my heart.
Once I had a dream and I remember telling him about it: Michael, I, and a beautiful girl with long, dark hair, who I had never seen before, were sitting at a picnic table in the mountains overlooking the ocean. It felt wonderful there. We were happy, laughing and talking. I didn’t know it then but several years later I would be living this dream. Dreams often foreshadow the future, giving us amazing insights and visions. Over the years, I have learned to follow the advice I receive I n my dreams. It always is my spiritual being loving and guiding me.
I went to college, moved out of my parent’s house into my own apartment, and lived by myself for the first time in my life. I felt increasingly lonely, desperate and depressed, looking for answers outside of myself. Maybe I felt that, after Michael, I would never meet the right person to spend the rest of my life with. I idolized my parents’ harmonious relationship and their deep love for each other. I wanted what they had: a match made in heaven.
During that time, I spent a lot of time in bars and discos searching, looking, and waiting for an inspiration outside of myself, not knowing that all power lies within. My number one priority was to find somebody to give me love, happiness, partnership, and security. I had a couple of meaningless affairs until I was finally introduced to the nightmare of my life.
Uwe was a very abusive man who tried to control everybody around him mentally and physically. Most people, including myself, shrank from him in fear submitting to all his demands. He demanded I live with him. So, I did. All sense of my own tremendous, unlimited power was lost to me. I never loved him and over the four years we lived together, I grew to hate him. At that time, I felt I had no control over my own life. I was drowning in self pity. My fear empowered him and stimulated his cruelty. Being with him reduced me to nothingness, mentally and physically. He continuously beat me, raped me, making sure I knew that I was his captive, at his every command. He destroyed the things I loved, like my guitar and books. He physically threw all of my friends, who still dared to visit me, out of the house. After his worst outbursts he would cry, telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me.
I allowed all this to happen, giving my power away, sinking deeper and deeper into depression. I cried every day in desperation. I just didn’t see a way out and couldn’t find the strength to stand up for myself. Instead of turning to the people who cared for me, loved me, and were more than willing to help me I lied, pretending everything was okay. Out of fear and shame, I tried my hardest to hide the truth of my sad life from my friends and parents.
Once, when my face was black and blue, my father asked:” Did he hit you?” My answer was:” No, I fell.” My father didn’t say anything. I knew he didn’t believe me. When I visited my parents I constantly looked out the window down the road, afraid that Uwe would come and make a scene. Everybody knew what was happening but they couldn’t get me to open up. Being a cancer, I crawled into my shell trying to hide the truth from the world. I was frozen with fear and tension.
When I look at battered women today they often seem like a mirror image of me at that time: hiding the truth, pretending everything is ok, always returning to their abusive partners, even justifying their wrongdoings. I can relate and have a lot of compassion for them. Today though, I can also see all the things I could have done to release myself from this torture. I could have stood up for myself and left this cruel, evil person. But I didn’t. In my eyes, Uwe was my captor, leaving me no choice but to surrender.
Now I know that we all create our own reality. We have the power to change things if we don’t like what is happening. Today, I try not to hate or blame Uwe anymore knowing that I allowed and attracted him into my life. I can even see that there was a reason for this torturous relationship. It led me to a greater awareness of my unlimited strength and power. It eventually taught me to stand up for myself, to live my life in honesty and openness. Actually, the more I think about it the greater the lessons are that I learned during this time. We have so much control over everything when we realize that there is nobody to blame other than ourselves. And we shouldn’t blame ourselves either. There are no mistakes. All life’s circumstances are lessons which we need to learn in order to grow and move ahead. We attract everything that happens good or bad and if it is not to our liking we possess the absolute power to change it. Truthfully, without the desperation of this relationship I would have never had the courage to do the things I ended up doing. I was led by spirit to follow my vision.
Throughout these years of darkness Michael was the light of my life. As I was drowning in misery and sorrow, he was my life line, my guardian angel. Seeing him reminded me of the existence of love and joy which was completely excluded from my life. He was the only person I knew who didn’t fear Uwe and, strangely enough, was never attacked by him. In spite of my situation, Michael came to visit me several times a year. Every time he came, Uwe would go into another room, close the door, turn off the light, and sit there in silence and darkness for hours. Maybe he felt threatened by Michael in some way. I don’t know what he was thinking. I never did understand that man. But maybe even he, in his own twisted way, was looking for love and guidance.
Michael and I would talk for hours. He gave me hope, showing me glimpses of a life of light and love outside of this hell I had put myself into. On one of his visits Michael brought Lea, his new girlfriend, along. They had met each other in the desert in Israel. Once again, this was, without me realizing it, a historical event in my life.
From the moment Lea and I met there was a strong connection between us which over the years led to a deep, loving friendship. Strange as it may seem, jealousy never was an issue between us. Lea was a beautiful woman with long, dark hair. Was she the woman I had seen in my dream long ago? Today I am sure she was. I know this dream was a spiritual vision, reflecting a future which eventually would manifest in every detail.
Shortly after this visit, I found out that I was pregnant. I was devastated. In my state of depression and desperation, I couldn’t face having Uwe’s baby. Of course I didn’t tell my parents or anybody at first. I seriously considered having an abortion. Then I told Uwe about it. He cried:” Please don’t get an abortion. Let’s have this baby. I will change. I promise. I love you. Everything will be perfect.” And on and on he went trying to give me hope with his empty promises. But then something else happened. When I was almost 3 months pregnant I started getting these strange feelings. I felt almost happy. I was in love with my baby. Nothing could take him from me. (I always knew it was a boy.) Abortion was out of the question.
Of course, Uwe didn’t change. If anything, he got worse. I wasn’t surprised. He never did keep his promises. He drank more, took even more of his speed pills, and threw one fit after the other. Once he sat on my swelling stomach and beat me. I will never forget that picture.
Today, this whole pregnancy is a blur in my memory. I don’t remember very much about it. I was still miserable most of the time but I also knew that a tremendous change was about to happen. My baby was moving inside of me. I loved him and I knew that it wasn’t all about me anymore. I had committed to the greatest responsibility of all: Putting a child into the world. I was changing, growing stronger inside. Believe it or not, I actually left him and rented my own apartment. Once again, I didn’t tell anybody. At this point, my parents were so upset with me and my lies that they hadn’t even talked to me in several months. Uwe, of course, knew where I lived and was soon standing on my doorstep renewing his promises. I let him in because my fear of him was still dominating my mind. Things got back to “normal”. The lessons in life are presented over and over until we learn and move on. I hadn’t learned yet.
On May 22, 1978, I gave birth to Kolja. When I held him in my arms for the first time I was overcome with love and joy. I couldn’t believe Uwe and I had created this perfect little miracle. I couldn’t stop looking at him, touching him, never wanting to let him go. The clear, true spirit of babies is the greatest bliss. They remind us of that place of divinity, love, and innocence we all come from. Over time we tend to forget about our magnificent spiritual origin. Babies help us to remember.
My world turned around my baby. I adored him. But having a child also increased my fear of Uwe and his crazy outbursts. Like all mothers, humans or animals, protecting my child was my greatest priority. At first, Uwe didn’t seem to care about Kolja very much. The baby took a lot of my attention away from him. That made him angry. Once, he hit me, banging my head into the baby’s head and we both cried. It didn’t seem to affect him.
My visualizations grew in intensity and frequency. My visions stayed the same, except that now Kolja a was the main focus. I needed to, had to, and wanted to provide a wonderful childhood for my son in a warm, secure home surrounded by love, beautiful nature, and good caring people as far away from Uwe as possible.
Kolja was 2 months old when Lea and Michael came to visit me. It was incredible! Lea had a baby also, a boy, Vayo, born on June 14, 1978, about 1 month younger than Kolja. We had both been pregnant when we had seen each other last and neither of us had known it. We laughed and cried with excitement and joy. We put the babies together on the bed. Kolja was small, blond, and blue eyed. Vayo was a big, round boy with his father’s green eyes. They were both so beautiful and seemed to belong together. Lea’s and my connection and love for each other greatly intensified in that moment. Instinctively I knew that she played a major role in my destiny. From this day on, Lea and Vayo were always present in my nightly visualizations. They were the main part of my imaginative, happy, loving family.
Uwe and I rented an old farmhouse. Once again we lived together. That was just as well because there seemed to be no escape from him anyways. As Kolja grew older, Uwe spent more and more time with him. I realized that he adored him. He truly loved him. That was good because it lessened my fear of him hurting the baby. I, on the other hand, became more and more frustrated, anxious, and depressed. The cause of depression lies in the feeling of being powerless and that was exactly how I felt. I felt angry and irritated and started provoking ugly scenes with Uwe. Maybe I was trying to prove to myself how bad things really were and that there truly was no way out of it. Our constant financial problems added to the tension. I started to hate Uwe. It is hard for me to admit this, but during this time I often fantasized about how I could kill him. Poison came to mind even though I never took a step in that direction. I think Uwe picked up on my morbid energy. He started locking me in the house at night. Then he would sit by my bed crying and telling me:” There is a solution. If I kill all of us we are free.” I was scared beyond words but he didn’t really have the guts to do it. I was crying daily in self pity, dragging myself deeper and deeper into a dark hole of despair. Kolja was 3 years old and I felt like my spirit was dying. At my most desperate point I knew I had two choices: Die (mentally) or run.
We are always surrounded by angels who never fail to appear in our times of greatest need. It was then at this crucial point in my life, that Lea knocked on my door asking me if I wanted to go to America with her. Michael’s and her relationship was over. I said yes and chose running because dying wasn’t an option; I had a child to take care of.
We planned to meet in New York, buy a car, and travel through California to look for a place to live. Secretly, I got passports, tickets, sold whatever I could sell, packed one duffel bag with the bare necessities, took my boy and left without telling anybody. At that point, all my other possessions were meaningless to me. The only important thing was to get away. I felt exited, scared, paranoid, and sneaky at the same time. I was actually acting on my visualizations. I was on my way to the home of my heart. Joy and strength vibrated through my whole body. My journey to the fulfillment of my dream had begun.
When I met Lea in New York she told me that our plans had changed. She had met a lady in the library in Manhattan who asked her if she would like to house sit for her on the Big Island of Hawaii. So, we were going to Hawaii. I had never even thought of that before. Truly, the miraculous ways of the Universe are beyond anything we could have ever imagined with our rational minds.
It was dark when we arrived on Hawaii. We were very tired and went to sleep right away. The next morning I went outside and couldn’t believe my eyes. Before me was a beautiful, tropical mountain valley with the most amazing view on the ocean. It was the perfect reflection of the landscape of my dreams. I knew instantly that I had found my place, the home of my heart. I fell in love with Hawaii. Over time, we built several small houses on a large piece of land we took care of. There we lived happily and joyfully with our children and several other people. Even our lifestyle became a replica of my visualizations. I remember going outside at night, looking at the stars, feeling the gentle, caressing energy of Hawaii and thinking: This is a fairytale land. I am so blessed. For the past 30 years, Hawaii has been my living, magical, spiritual classroom. Surrounded by the intense, divine spirit of this island, I always feel loved, protected and guided. Here is where my faith and trust in the Godessence began to grow, illuminating my life with love, joy, purpose, abundance and, most of all, never ending gratitude.
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