I have a child whom I gave birth to before I got married and he
is now 15 years, but gives me hard time both in school work and
at home. My husband does not like him. I really want to help him
but I don't know how to go about it.
Having A Hard Time Mom
|Dear Having A Hard Time
Your son is at a difficult age in maturing, wanting to
be a man but still being a boy. Nothing soothes a
distraught soul like knowing you are loved and cared
for. A teenager acting out against his mom and step-dad
is a red flag waving for help. He needs to know you love
him even though you are married to someone who is not
his father. He needs to be accepted by his step father
so that he, as the child, can also accept him.
Talk to your son openly about how you feel. Tell him
what makes you sad or afraid. Let him know you are
paying attention, you care, you love him
unconditionally. Be open also with your husband. Tell
him what you need from him as a husband but also as a
step-father. You all need and deserve peace in your
Being open and honest is the best route to finding all
My 7-year-old son's father
stopped contact with him 3 years ago. I worry that my son is
growing up without a father-figure and, although I give him as
much as I can as a mother, how this may affect his emotional
development. He asks questions about his father, sometimes it's
difficult to answer because the picture isn't a nicely colored
one - his father was physically and emotionally abusive towards
me and didn't take very much responsibility for his role as a
father. I struggle with what to say to my son and when...
|Dear Challenged Mum,
Your son may not have his father to help raise him, but
does he have grandfathers, uncles or friends who can act
as responsible role models for him? If so, they can play
an important role in encouraging and teaching your son
many of the things he needs to prosper. Look closely
Children thrive on simple truths. Tell him honestly why
daddy is not there, but do not berate his dad. Who knows
who his father is becoming right now. He might turn out
to be exactly who your son needs one day. One just never
knows. Give him all the positives you can about his dad,
but tell him the truth also, that daddy was being
abusive and that this is never ok. He needs to know that
he is not why daddy is gone, daddy is responsible for
his own choices.
To know that he is loved and cherished is the greatest
knowledge you can instill into your son.
I am really worried about myself. How can I be more strong? I
mean it's very hard for me to face all of my problems and to
tell the truth even in simple things... and very hard for me to
have ambition in life... I seem to be a very weak person...
|Dear Really Worried,
You seem to believe that you are weak... but what if I
told you that you are one of the bravest and strongest people in the world? Could you believe it?
Please understand that the ideas we choose to have about ourselves
are very powerful. You can believe and accept the idea
that you are weak or believe and accept the idea
that you are strong. One idea will bring you
disappointment, and the other idea will bring you
possibility. Which idea would you prefer?
Maybe you have made poor decisions in the past. Who
hasn't? The question is, did you learn from them?
Can you see how even the worst decisions can serve to
make you wiser and stronger?
The fact you even wrote this letter tells me you are an
honest and brave person who cares about the quality and
direction of your life. So begin by choosing ideas that
serve you instead of leaving you defeated. Begin by
believing in yourself.
Here is a quote for you to pin up as a reminder:
Promise me you'll always
You're braver than you believe,
and stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.
As written by A.A. Milne
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